The Heterodox Homo’s Guide to Brooklyn, NY
Don’t mind the eggshells
Welcome to Brooklyn, where everyone is grateful for what they have and contemptuous of those who have more. Five years ago everyone who shopped at a food coop held exactly the same opinions about LGBTQ issues. But lately cracks in the consensus are emerging, and some Brooklynites seem to have lost track of what the consensus is even supposed to be. It’s the perfect playground for a non-queer homosexual who likes to start awkward conversations.
Here are some of the characters you can chat up this weekend while standing on line for fig gelato.
The A Student
Since 2015 the A Student has been bottling up her anxiety about Caitlyn Jenner. When the media heralded Jenner as a true woman based on Jenner’s adherence to oppressive beauty standards, the A Student realized that the trans agenda contravened key tenets of second wave feminism, which she aced an exam about in 2003. The A Student never shared her analysis with anyone because she feared being called a transphobe. Now she’s dying to deconstruct the term “Bonus Hole” with you – but only in person, not via text.
How you can spot her: The A Student wears flat shoes that are somehow even more uncomfortable than high heels.
The Good Progressive
The Good Progressive tells you that you can’t understand trans identity because you’re not trans. Then he explains why denying puberty blockers to a trans kid is just like gay conversion therapy. He is straight.
How you can spot him: The Good Progressive is carrying a literary novel about genocide.
The Smooth Talker (they/them)
The Smooth Talker (they/them) is on your office’s DEI committee. They drafted the answer choices for the annual DEI survey’s Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation questions, some of which you could’ve sworn were gibberish. They tell you they appreciate having like-minded queer coworkers like you.
“Actually I don’t believe in gender identity,” you say.
“Good for you,” says the Smooth Talker. “Gender identity just keeps you boxed into stereotypes.”
“Oh wait, so we agree on this stuff? Like, kids shouldn’t be put on opposite-sex hormones?”
“Oh my god,” they say, “isn’t it bananas how Republicans think we support that? Like why would you need to change your body in order to become your gender?”
How to spot the Smooth Talker: He’s a twink, you guys. I’m talking about twinks.
The Married Lesbian
“I would totally date a trans woman if I weren’t married,” says the Married Lesbian.
“OK,” you say, “but I was talking about males in women’s prisons –”
“Some women just happen to have penises, and I actually find them super hot! I’m so turned on by Laverne Cox’s eyeshadow. Because I’m attracted to female gender, not body parts.”
How to spot the Married Lesbian: She’s gazing adoringly at her wife, a sustainable landscape architect with hairy armpits and no eyeshadow.
The Gay Empath
The Gay Empath supports trans rights because he’s experienced oppression as a queer man. There’s a study on what happens when male attorneys wear pink floral ties to court, he says. It’s not good – they get interrupted almost as often as women do.
How to spot the Gay Empath: He’s wearing a beige tie.
Your Evil Twin
If you’re an artsy lesbian, this person is an artsy lesbian. If you’re an athletic gay man, this person is an athletic gay man. Your Evil Twin shares 100% of your views on gender ideology, and they resemble you in uncanny ways … but is their attitude toward trans rights advocates a little mean? They really ripped into the Smooth Talker for saying cis women need a safe space to lactate once a month.
How to spot Your Evil Twin: Look for a less attractive version of yourself. They’re not actually less attractive than you, but that’s how you’ll perceive them.
The Proud Parents
The Proud Parents have been crowing for years about the time their daughter chose to be a bus driver for Halloween instead of a princess. They frequently name drop the girl’s best friend – Henry. And now the Proud Parents’ tween daughter has gone where no girl has ever gone before, by coming out as nonbinary.
“That’s cool that your daughter is so masculine,” you say. “Maybe she’s a lesbian.” The Proud Parents’ faces freeze for a second.
“Oh, haha, well any kid could be a lesbian! You know there’s no connection between gender identity and sexual orientation.”
How to spot the Proud Parents: Their e-cargo bike has a rear view mirror.
The Secret Centrist
If a conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged, then a centrist is a liberal who’s been embarrassed. Not canceled, necessarily. The Good Progressive called him out on a work email chain in 2020 for using the term “slaving away,” he spiraled, and Substack held him while he cried. Now he's secretly anti-woke, which means he no longer believes that biology is a social construct.
How to spot the Secret Centrist: He looks exactly like the Good Progressive except his eyes are bloodshot from watching YouTube podcasts until 3am.
The Deferential White Male
The Deferential White Male agrees with everything you’re saying about women’s sports, a super serious subject that he’s very concerned about. A few days later his running buddy the Smooth Talker tells him to burn his kid’s Harry Potter books because J.K. Rowling supports sterilizing trans kids. The Deferential White Male agrees with everything the Smooth Talker is saying about this super serious subject.
How to spot the Deferential White Male: He recently got his employer to donate $50,000 to a trans rights advocacy org at the urging of his wife, the A Student.
Please send your submissions to LGBTcouragecoalition@gmail.com
The empathetic mom. If you bring up the issue of the sudden increase in so-called "trans" children and teens, she will describe (with some glee) her typical young teenage son, laughing at how much he obviously loves girls. She will then tell you about her friend with the "trans child," explaining how important it is that we honor this child's true identity and respect "her" mother's decision to call her son a girl because "she's" obviously quite feminine at heart, in sharp contrast to this mom's totally gender-conforming son. You will see the discomfort in her eyes when you question whether this child is in fact a girl or simply a non-conforming boy who might just grow up gay, but she will desperately wriggle out of the discussion at this point. If you keep talking, she'll stop you to ask how you would help all these "trans" kids and teens avoid being upset with their bodies, because we can't just let them be uncomfortable! How do you recognize her? She's wearing a cotton dress, Tom's shoes, and carrying a custom-made Yeti bottle with "Best Mom" on it.
secret centrist here. thanks for the glossary!