Let Femme Boys be Boys

Starting in childhood, boys who have personality traits and interests that are typically associated with the opposite sex are told there is something wrong with them. While girls are often allowed to be tomboys, wear “boy clothes” and play with “boys toys,” it is very rare that a feminine boy is allowed to do the same. They are told that dolls and dresses are for girls and have their feminine mannerisms or personality traits criticized. Although parents sometimes have good intentions and believe they are preventing their son from getting bullied by trying to make him act more masculine, this often leads to boys like this believing the only way they can be themselves is if they become a girl. Before they have even reached an age where they know who they are or what their sexuality is, the idea that there is something wrong with them has already been planted in their minds. 

Later in life, these boys are often faced with the depressing reality that they have an extremely small or nonexistent dating pool. While butch lesbians are able to find romantic partners, the same cannot be said for a lot of feminine gay boys. In the gay scene, the more masculine you are, the more desirable you are. Highly effeminate men are faced with the decision to either try forcing themselves to be more masculine or to be alone. This internal struggle can become even more confusing for some of them when they choose to express themselves by wearing makeup or dressing in a more feminine way for the first time. While they may just be experimenting with their personal style, the response to this can lead to gender confusion. Female friends who consider themselves “gay allies” shower men who wear makeup with compliments about how beautiful and fabulous they look. Although these girls are just trying to be kind, they may not realize that for a lot of these gay boys this is the first time they’ve ever been told they look beautiful in their entire life. Everyone wants to feel attractive, and when the only time you’re told you are good looking is when you are presenting in a way more similar to the opposite sex, transition begins to seem appealing.

Pear Joseph being interviewed on the Jack Jewell Podcast #034 titled, “Not Being Affirmed Saved my Life”

If a feminine man tries out a highly androgynous look or even tries doing drag for the first time, these compliments begin to come not only from straight women but also a new cohort of men. Gynandromorpophilia- or GAMP- is a term used to describe men who are sexually attracted to people who have both female and male characteristics such as trans women. GAMPs are typically very masculine and “straight-passing,” which tends to be the type of man a lot of very feminine gay men are attracted to. After going years without any interest from any men, gay boys may suddenly find themselves being the object of desire from their ideal type of partner after putting makeup on. With such a small or even nonexistent dating pool available to them, this often leads them to believe that their only hope at having a relationship with a man is to look as female as possible. 

 The medical transition of gay male minors is even promoted by “heterodox” podcasts that typically have a more gender critical point of view. “Moderate” trans activist Brianna Wu has been making the rounds on the podcast circuit and openly admitting that although he believes the trans craze has gone to far, effeminate gay boys are the one group of minors that should continue being allowed to medically transition. He encourages them to go on puberty blockers so they can look as attractive as possible as adult “women” and believes having stereotypically feminine interests means a male “doesn’t make sense living as a man.” Rather than question any of this, the podcast hosts and interviewers just nod along as if saying gay boys should be sterilized and mutilated is a perfectly reasonable thing to believe. When gender-confused gay boys see these otherwise intelligent, well-respected public figures talking about how they should be allowed to transition, the idea begins to seem more reasonable.

 Religious conservatives criticize these boys for behaving or dressing in a feminine way. So-called “progressives” encourage a form of conversion therapy being done on them when they advocate for their medical transition. Even some feminists and gender critical people accuse them of doing “woman face” if they choose to wear makeup. From all types of people all across the political spectrum, these boys are being given a clear message: stereotypically feminine personality traits and interests are incompatible with your male body. 

 The truth is, if these little boys weren’t told their clothing and toy preferences were unacceptable, most of them would never get the idea that they should be the opposite sex in the first place. If they were able to find romantic partners who found them desirable in their natural state, most of them wouldn’t feel the need to go on hormones or get surgeries. Despite all the progress we’ve made in society over the last few decades when it comes to gay rights and battling sexism, there has been little to no change in how we think and talk about feminine gay boys. These boys need to be taught that there is no wrong or right way to be male and that there is a place for them in the world. Although the fear of being called transphobic has led to most of them staying silent, there are feminine gay men who have figured out how to live happy, productive lives. Many of them are creatives who figured out how to embrace their uniqueness and live interesting, fulfilling lives. It is important for these men to speak out against gender ideology and be a positive role model for these young boys, so they and their parents can see that transition is not the solution. These boys’ discomfort does not come from being born in the wrong body. It comes from living in a society that still doesn’t accept them for who they are.

Pear Joseph is an activist and writer from Los Angeles, CA. His writing mainly focuses on the topics of identity politics, tribalism, and gender ideology. As an activist, he draws from his own experience as a gender non-conforming man to challenge the regressive nature of gender ideology and the medical transition of minors. Follow Pear on X @thepearjoseph